Top 5 Actors I just don’t get

Posted on July 16, 2011. Filed under: Top 5 | Tags: , , , , |

I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! ūüôā

Howdy folks. I’m back from the East Coast where the weather is generally windy but the baby goats are cute.¬† I have a whole arsenal of posts in the early draft stages ready to head your way, so I thought I better get going.

This post is brought to you by a late night re-run of The Departed. You’ll see why.

There are some actors out there that as far as I’m concerned are way more succesful than they should be. It’s not exactly that they’re bad actors, I just don’t understand why they keep getting lead roles.¬† They are either what I call beige people, who just blend into the background and can’t convince me of any kind of hero-like status, or they’re just plain creepy.¬† So with that in mind, I give you my Top 5 Actors that I just don’t get.

5. Adam Sandler

I haven’t seen that many Sandler films.¬† Mainly because I don’t think I could be less interested in him if I tried.¬† I don’t know what it is. I don’t actively dislike him, unlike some other names to come, but I don’t like him either, so as a lead character I never sympathise. I’ve never really found him funny either. Yet there’s a significant proportion of, mainly American, people who think the sun shines where he walks.¬† Anyone care to explain what I’m missing?

4. Russell Crowe

It took me a while to work out that the reason I don’t like Gladiator is Russell Crowe.¬† Again, it’s nothing against him personally, I just don’t find him an engaging screen presence.¬† When I found out he would be starring in the latest Robin Hood offering I actively avoided it, and without Paul Bettany I doubt I would have made it all the way through Master and Commander. I think the problem is that I find him boring.¬† And because he tends to take on more serious subjects… Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

3. Pierce Brosnan

Anyone who has read my review of Mamma Mia may have noticed I’m not a fan.¬† In fact, he is responsible for me actively avoiding all James Bond movies until Daniel Craig took over.¬† I have no idea what it is but for as long as I can remember Brosnan has literally made me shudder. He is the slimiest thing I’ve ever seen on screen and I simply can’t watch him.¬† There’s only one film with him in that I like, and that’s Mrs Doubtfire. Because he gets hit in the head with fruit and chokes on spicy fish.

2. Tom Cruise

The only man in the world creepier than Pierce Brosnan.¬† Not only is Cruise slimy he’s genuinely scary.¬† I mean seriously, I know you can’t believe everything you read in the tabloids but if even 10% of that is true the man is a¬† nutcase.¬† And I’m sorry but no matter how many times you try to convince me he’s a “heart-throb” his cheesy smile will always make me retch.

My active avoidance of his films is more of a boycott until he releases poor Katie Holmes.  Rain Man is his only saving grace because Dustin Hoffman is so good you can get through nearly the whole film without looking at him.

1. Matt Damon

And in at number one, the blandest actor in Hollywood, Matt Damon.¬† I don’t know what it is with him, he’s just so incredibly beige.¬† The only film that I’ve actually liked him in is Dogma and I think the chemistry between him and Affleck has everything to do with that.¬† Like Crowe, I’ve now found myself avoiding films just because he’s in them. Not because I particularly dislike him, but just because he bores me.¬† Even The Talented Mr Ripley, which I really like, tends to get passed by when I’m picking a film the minute I remember he’s in it and Jude Law doesn’t last long enough to carry him.

The Bourne trilogy should be up there with my favourite films.¬† It has all my favourite things; guns, explosions, ridiculous number of double crosses and twists, yet for some reason I just wasn’t feeling it.¬† I don’t know whether it’s that I don’t believe him as an action hero or what but something isn’t right there.¬† Re-watching The Departed the other night I remembered something I wrote in my review of Inception about not necessarily seeing Leo Di Caprio as an action hero but actually it’s Damon who struggles to convince while DiCaprio once again reminds me that I really should stop forgetting how good he is.¬† Apart from Damon’s rubbish wandering accent in that movie, he’s just unconvincing as any kind of hardcore gangster-come-cop. Or hardocre anything for that matter.¬† I spend the movie waiting for Wahlberg, Nicholson and DiCaprio to get back on screen.

So those are the guys who have the exact opposite to the desired effect when I see them on the posters.¬† I’m sure that I’m going to get some disagreement out of you so bring it on. And let me know who your big screen turn offs are.

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Mamma Mia: Officially the worst film I’ve ever seen.

Posted on January 23, 2009. Filed under: Movies to miss | Tags: , , , , , |

Another chance for me to save you from painful suffering, and this time I don’t think I’ll get¬† much argument.

God knows why this was such a success.¬† Well, actually, I do know, it was all about nostalgia.¬† But if you want to reminisce about the 70s stick ABBA Gold on, don’t make a terrible movie!

There are moments of this film which almost redeem it, the plot, for example, is quite good and the script is funny at times.¬† Unfortunately, I couldn’t notice much of this because I was watching the film through my fingers with an expression of abject horror!¬† Why such an extreme reaction? Pierce Brosnan. Singing. Or at least he thought he was. And Colin Firth doing….well I don’t know what he was doing but it wasn’t pretty.


Now I’m not an ABBA fan, and I really dislike this wave of greatest hits albums being turned into musicals, but I decided to give this film a fair try (mostly because it was Christmas).¬† In fact, turning ABBA hits into a musical worked more successfully than any other attempt I’ve heard, although I will never forgive whoever thought “Chiquitita” being sung in a toilet made sense.¬† This wasn’t my main concern though, what had me diving behind the sofa was the woeful performances given by almost every member of the cast.

I’ve already mentioned Brosnan and Firth’s pathetic vocal renditions, which could almost be excused if it hadn’t caused them to forget how to act.¬† Brosnan especially seems so caught up in becoming the next Bruce Springsteen (try Billy Mack) that he loses any (limited) credibility he ever had.¬† It would have been easy enough to dub the actors, although I suppose this would have caused criticism, but after 10 minutes I was begging for mercy.¬† Meryl Streep is better than I would have expected, and she does put in a good performance, but there were some seriously flat notes in “The Winner Takes It All” which could have easily been tweaked could the sound editor have been bothered enough.

Bad singing aside, there isn’t much going for this movie, (besides the ever-wonderful Julie Walters).¬† I get that it’s supposed to be fun and light hearted, but you get the feeling that no one invilved in making this movie was really committed to the job, they were just mucking about with some cameras and a few million dollars.¬† This film is definitely aimed nowhere near my generation.¬† Even the young couple who the film is supposedly about get barely any screen time compared to our parenting team.¬† This is a film for the mums, which is fine, but you’d think that Hollywood could come up with something a bit less tragic.

Everyone knows that Dads dancing at a wedding is a pathetic site.  So why make a movie about it?

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